Navigating the Holidays as Co-Parents
The holidays can bring out the best and the worst in co-parenting. There are traditions, travel plans, extended family dynamics, school events, gift expectations, and a lot of emotions under the surface.
For co-parents, especially in a high-conflict situation, this time of year can feel less like a season of joy and more like a season of negotiation and stress.
At High Conflict Resolutions, we are not pro-mom or pro-dad. We are pro-kid. That means the goal is not for one parent to “win” the holidays. The goal is to create as much stability, consistency, and emotional safety as possible for your children, whatever your family structure looks like. It’s meant to be a time for making memories, and we won’t those memories to be joyful.
Below are practical ways to navigate the holidays as co-parents while keeping the focus where it belongs: on your kids.
Figure Out the Schedule in Advance
One of the biggest sources of holiday stress is last-minute planning. When schedules are unclear, assumptions are made, emotions run hott, and arguments can escalate quickly.
If you have a parenting plan, start there. Review any holiday provisions well ahead of time so everyone understands:
Which parent has the children on which days
How pick-ups and drop-offs will work (location, time, etc.)
How travel or out-of-town visits will be handled
What happens if school breaks do not align perfectly with the agreement
Most importantly, are there ways to reduce the overall number of transitions, allowing the kids to enjoy their holiday
If your plan does not include specific holiday details, try to create a written agreement via email or your parenting app. Keeping communication in writing helps reduce confusion later.
The more predictable the schedule is (and the fewer exchanges during the holidays), the more secure your child will feel. They do not need to know every legal detail, but they do benefit from clear, calm explanations like, “You will be with Mom on Christmas Eve and Christmas this year and with Dad on New Year’s Eve and Day this year.”
It’s best to divide the weeks, not the holiday. Transitions are hard for kids, and even more so on holidays.
Remember that Gifts are not a Competition
Holidays often bring up anxiety around gifts. Are we buying too much? Too little? Will the other parent “outdo” us?
It can help to remember that children experience the holidays as a whole, not as a competition between homes. You can support that by:
Being mindful of gifts that undermine rules in the other home, such as phones, gaming systems, or pets
Focus on meaningful, developmentally appropriate gifts rather than trying to match or exceed what the other parent is doing.
Keep your child out of adult conversations about money or “who bought what”
Ignore what the gifts are in the other home – their house, their rules
Remember that your “presence” is a more meaningful gift than your “gifts” and this will pay off in your bond with your kids!
Set Expectations Ahead of Time
Holidays can be easier on children when they know what to expect.
You might gently share:
Where they will be and when
Who they will see during celebrations
Any travel plans
Any changes from years past
And NEVER tell them that you will be sad or that you will miss them when they are gone. Instead, tell them that you hope they have a great holiday and “I am really looking forward to our celebration together when you get back to our home!”
Kids need to know that you are “OK” without them so that they don’t worry about you or feel they need to take care of your emotions or stability.
Children may feel sadness or frustration about missing certain traditions, especially if this is the first year celebrating in two homes. It is okay for them to have mixed feelings. You can hold space for that without blaming the other parent.
You might say, “I know it feels different this year. It is okay to feel sad or mad about that. We are going to do our best to make special memories here too.”
Help Your Child Process Their Feelings
Holidays can amplify grief, confusion, and loyalty binds for children of separated parents. They may worry about:
Hurting one parent’s feelings by having fun with the other
Missing celebrations in one home while they are in the other
Being “in the middle” of adult tension
You can support your child by:
Naming feelings: “It looks like you are feeling torn” or “It makes sense that you miss Dad when you are here and miss Mom when you are there.”
Reassuring them they are not responsible for adult emotions.
Letting them enjoy their time with the other parent without guilt.
When your child returns from the other home, try to be curious and calm rather than interrogating or comparing. A simple “What was your favorite part of your holiday?” is enough.
Take Time to Take Care of Yourself
Self-care is not a luxury in high-conflict co-parenting. It is a necessity. The more regulated you are, the more you can help your child regulate.
During the holidays, this might look like:
Keeping basic routines like sleep, hydration, and movement
Limiting exposure to conflict, including social media or unnecessary contact with your co-parent (and avoid the urge to call your children every day - it puts pressure on them)
Practicing grounding techniques, like deep breathing or journaling
Taking breaks when you feel triggered rather than pushing through
Plan to spend time with friends or family, or if you prefer alone time, plan something that you wouldn’t otherwise do if you had your kids with you.
You cannot control how your co-parent acts, but you can invest in the way you show up. Your calm is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.
Plan Alternate Celebrations
The calendar does not define what is meaningful. If your child is not with you on a particular holiday, you can create your own traditions on a different day.
Some ideas:
A “second Christmas” or “family holiday” on another date
Special breakfast traditions, movie nights, or baking days
A gratitude ritual, where you share things you appreciate about each other
Children usually care more about the feeling of connection than the specific date. When you approach alternate celebrations with warmth and enthusiasm, you teach your child that special moments can be created in many ways, not just one.
Remember: It Is Not a Competition
It can be tempting to compare homes, gifts, trips, or activities. But when holidays become a contest between parents, children can end up feeling responsible for making each parent feel “chosen” or “loved enough.”
You can opt out of that dynamic by:
Staying focused on your own relationship with your child
Letting go of the urge to “outdo” the other home
Avoiding negative comments about the other parent’s choices in front of your child
Reminding yourself that consistency and emotional safety matter more than flashy plans
Your child does not need a “perfect” holiday. They need a parent who is emotionally available, steady, and safe.
Keep Your Focus and Priorities on the Children
When you feel triggered by your co-parent, it can be helpful to pause and ask:
“What decision best supports my child’s emotional well-being?”
“How can I respond in a way that keeps the focus on my child instead of on the conflict?”
“If my child looked back on these holidays in ten years, what would I want them to remember?”
Those questions can guide you when you feel pulled into power struggles, point-scoring, or old arguments. At High Conflict Resolutions, we often remind parents that being pro-kid may sometimes mean letting go of “winning” a disagreement in order to preserve a calmer environment for the child.
Stay Positive and Flexible Where You Can
You do not have to pretend everything is perfect. But trying to maintain a hopeful, steady presence can make a meaningful difference.
Staying positive might include:
Focusing on what you can control rather than what you cannot
Acknowledging small wins: a peaceful exchange, a kind moment, a shared laugh
Keeping rituals that matter to you and your child
Allowing room for humor and joy, even in an imperfect situation
If your co-parent is one that often delays bringing your children out for the exchange – expect that and bring a book to read in the car while you wait. It’ll prevent your dysregulation, and how often do you get time to read a book? Enjoy it.
Children are very sensitive to tone. They will notice if holidays are talked about with dread versus curiosity and possibility.
Seek Help When You Need It
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or repeatedly drawn into conflict around holiday planning, support is available.
A co-parenting coach can help you:
Prepare for scheduling communications
Draft calm, clear messages around holiday logistics following BIFF™ guidelines
Develop boundaries and parallel parenting strategies
Practice how to respond (or not respond) to provocative communication
Keep the focus on your child’s experience, rather than the conflict with your co-parent
At High Conflict Resolutions, our team is dedicated to supporting both parents with one shared priority: the well-being of the children. We understand the dynamics of high-conflict situations and the added pressure that holidays can bring.
Moving Through the Holidays with Intention
Holidays after separation are rarely simple. They can bring grief, nostalgia, joy, and stress all at once. But with thoughtful planning, emotional support, and a child-centered focus, they can also become an opportunity to model resilience and care.
You do not have to navigate it alone. If you would like guidance on communication, boundaries, planning, or emotional regulation during the holidays, the team at High Conflict Resolutions is here to help.
Together, we can work toward holidays that feel a little less chaotic and a lot more grounded in what matters most: your child’s sense of safety, connection, and love.
